AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize