If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
