after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
