By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I supernannyed him into submission
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
