I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
