waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
