ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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