i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
