Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
