I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
