We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
