Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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