Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
