um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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