it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
