my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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