I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
