Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
