I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Pooping to opera.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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