i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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