i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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