So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
