i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
