I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
