New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
