Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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