haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
