its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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