i think my tv is drunk
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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