is your mom at the bar?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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