btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
