she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
