what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize