Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
