Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
