All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
they're like a gay fantastic four
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
