May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
