Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
