If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
