wakey wakey hands off snakey
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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