he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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