Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
