You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
