I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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