you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
