So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
