I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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