There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
