Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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