I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
