Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
