The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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