the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
