Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
