Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
