Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize